Emo-Guy

I am such an emo-guy. As in emotional? Yeah, I still am. Happy for now and the next minute, I can be all sorrowful. Give me another few minutes I might just wipe my tears away and start finding the reasons for me to laugh out loud again.


Oh, and yes I don't really hide my feelings. All of them will be displayed on my face whether I want it or not. You will know when I am really happy. Yes, written on my face. Sad, not enough sleep, exhausted, pissed-off, excited... yes you can read them all from my face. Ok, maybe that only happen to my close friends.

I am, most of the time smiling when I meet my customers. Note that I said, most of the time, because sometime, I couldn't help but give some of those bitchy customers an evil stare. Sometime I am not sure if my fake smile was so real that the customers actually thought I was really smiling and happy to receive or accept their unreasonable requirement and non-sense comments.

Ah... I don't know. Maybe I have multiple personalities? Who knows?

Or was it all because I am gay? Maybe gay man is a little bit more sensitive and emotional compare to others. We have to go through certain event that some others didn't have to. So we tends to be emotional and 'imbalance' a bit? Err... Maybe only me. :p


But one thing I noticed though. I don't get the chance to be all emotional as I was so busy with works these days. The only feelings I have is busy busy busy... tired tired tired... and you don't get to show your emotion to your boss. My colleagues? They said I am always tired. Yes, so tired to be happy, sad, excited or whatever it is. So I'm like a emotionless zombie to them.

Only on this fine Monday that I got to be myself and really do what I want without even thinking about work. Why? Because I took leave! :p

And I got emotional again. Not in a bad way. Watch some dramas and cry a bit. Watch some truly amazing performance and found tears in my eyes as I was so touched by their sincerity and amazing performance. Crazy and weird, I know! :p Then later in the evening I watch "The Nanny". Some old and hilarious British comedy and I laugh like a bitch. The Nanny is just so freaking funny and I love her unique laughter! Ahahahaha.... if you know what I mean.

Guess what, I just finished download the latest episode of Brothers and Sisters, I'm sure I'll go "Aww... that's so sweet!" or something similar while watching the show and hugging my favourite pillow in my bed.

Tonight I Wanna Cry

Not sure if it is the pressure I have, or the emptiness I am feeling inside me, I suddenly have the urge to just breakdown and cry. Stupid and weird as it may sound, but yeah, I feel like I crying. Letting tears run down across my cheeks, to my lips, down to my chin and drop on my shirt... as if the negativities in life, will just flow together with the tears, out of my body... 

"I don't like self-pity!", a simple phrase, has given me a tight slap on my face. And it hurts. And it hurts so much that my heart-ached. It hurts so much that I even got angry. And something within me was going to burst. But I managed to take a deep breath... and realized that I deserved that. Self-pity, yeah I guess I have always been doing that. 

Letting myself drown into the deep valley of despair and sorrow, I found myself emotionless. I went numb. For one moment, my mind really went into a total blank. No feelings, no thoughts, no nothing. And there's no tear. 

Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry

Sorry for not being strong enough. I know, I am doing that again. Self-pity. Just let me be... let me be... at least, for tonight...

Being Caught In The Middle

You know there are times in our life that we will be caught in the situation whereby we do not know whether to say yes to this or to say no to that. And it is so hard to make the absolutely right decision that we wish we could just close our eyes for just one moment and the situation will turn better for a bit. Yeah right! And lately I have been in that kind of situation in many ways.

I am in such a mess!

Between Two Bosses
Oh yeah, I have been slowly transferring to the new team to work on a new project recently. But the process of transferring is so slow that I still have to work on my previous project and at the same time focus more on my current project. In short, I have to work on two projects at a time. And I have to report to two bosses at the same time as well. Of course, my priority will be my current project. But when there are things that I needs or if I want to apply for leave, I wonder if I should apply from my previous supervisor or my current supervisor. Not sure if I will offend any one of them whoever I decided to report to. Computer memory space not enough, should I get from old boss or new boss? My monthly claim should report to the old boss or the new boss? Awkward awkward awkward!

Between Morality and Sexuality
I was brought up in a conservative chinese family which value morality. And we are so sincere as a Buddhist that I even attended Buddhist teaching classes and took the examination. Oh did I mention I even got an A1 in my SPM Pendidikan Moral? A1, man! You think easy aar?! Not many people can get it you know! Hah! While I was shamelessly boasting about how good I am in understanding the theory of moral, I am basically immoral. We were taught not to have sex until the day we got married! How funny is that?! Sex in the sauna room, surfing porn sites, downloading and watching porn clips while wanking... Oh homosexuality! Tsk tsk tsk... it's even illegal in this country. Wait a minute. Was it homosexuality that is illegal or the act of sodomy is illegal? I am not sure myself. But I was taught that being gay is immoral. Men are supposed to be with women. Men and women, that's natural. Oh well, I like men! Welcome to my real world!

Men! Sex! And Men!

Between Dreams and Reality
I have always want to pursue my music career. May it be a singer, a piano teacher, a performer... anything about music. I love playing piano so much that I could play on the piano for hours without feeling bored. I love singing so much that I would sing my heart out every now and then. But where am I now? Working in an IT firm at least 12 hours a day (and even during weekend sometimes) just to have sufficient income to pay my study loan and also to support my family. No time to practice piano, no time to improve my singing skill. Luckily I can still attend choir practice at least once a week to have a good time, but that does not help to improve my singing skill. Well maybe it will, but it will take a very long time.

What am I gonna do?!

I don't know. Like I said. I wish I could just close my eyes and just live my life. Guess I am still doing it. And not sure where this will lead me to. Urgh! Thinking all this itself is tiring! Sucks!

Random Update

Just wanna post a clip here.Reasons for posting this clip :-

1) It's a music video with some of my favourite scenes from the movie - Jeffrey, which I've just watched.
2) The movie talks about gay guys falling in love and one of them is HIV+. Which I could relate to my phobia of having sex in fear of being infected with the deadly disease and my obsession with cleanliness due to the same reason.
3) The music is just nice and soothing.
4) I am just not in the mood to write a lengthy post.
5) Love watching two fine hunky studs looking and talking to each other. Michael Terry Weiss is so fine! Oh Damned! Did I just wet my short?! Fucked!



Have a nice weekend! :D

A Letter To My Love - Being Worry

Hey Love,

You have no idea how much I miss you so. But I guess you're there missing me too. 

So you missed me too?

You know lately I've been thinking. I have a lot of things. A lot, if I really count each and every single item I possessed. And I have most of the things I want. But, I can't seem to really enjoy them all. Why? I guess I tend to worry a little... ok, I worry too much. Am I? So much that I missed a lot of things I could have had. 

Just for today, I worried so much about driving over something or someone that I missed the pleasure of driving in my own car. Not only that, I also don't get to hang around with friends or just simply driving around the KL city enjoy the city's lights. I worried so much about the possibility that I might have knocked someone off on my way back home that I wasted a lot of time and efforts to convinced myself that I might have just driven over a rock/wood on the road; I worried so much about my hands being dirty that I missed the fun of eating foods with my bare hands. I worried so much about leaving things behind that I wasted a lot of time checking and checking before I leave from one spot to another. I worried so much that one day my house will be broken in by thieves that I locked my bedroom's door and window when I sleep eventhough it'll be stuffy and hot inside the room. And the list doesn't end here... 

Yes, worrying over things has become a habit to me. Stop worrying? Yes, I told myself that millions and millions of times. I'm afraid I have immuned to that. But then come to think again, if I have immuned to that, I would've stopped worrying now. Somehow I'm glad that at least I won't worry till my heart ache and cause me sleepless night like I used to be. I guess I have immuned to the side effects of being worry. Or to see it from other perspective, it is as if worrying, has become part of my life, part of me. It's like a disease which cannot be cured, but can be controlled. 

Only you can make me happy!

And suddenly whatever I have seems to be unnecessary anymore as I seem to be a person who is incapable of being happy. Yeah, waking up in the morning till the moment before I fall into sleep. There are thousands and millions of things that I can worry about and they basically took away all the reasons for me to be happy. So what that I possessed a car? So what that I have a degree? So what that I have nice shirts and CK underwears? Meaningless!

I hope this is just a process or period in life that I will need to go through. For as long as I need to worry, I really hope that one day it will stop, or fade away. It is exhausting, indeed! But if I were meant to worry that much in this life, then let me be strong enough to carry the 'weight'. Yes, if worry is something I should do, then let me do it happily and steadily. Whatever it is, just let me be strong and wise enough to know how to enjoy living my life to the fullest!

Anyway, I still strongly believe that this will somehow come to an end someday. I just need to hold on tighter to my faith and be strong. Yes, after so many turbulences and troubled times in life, this too shall pass. By then the sun will shines and rainbow of hopes will appear within my heart. So, don't you ever worry too much about me! 

By the way, I love this following clip very much and I wish someday I can come home and see my love, you, every single day. Will you help me change the light bulb and make me dinner? LOL... you know I love you! *kisses*

Alright, I shall stop here, love. I'll write again soon! Please take good care! 

Your love,

Ryan

A Car-less Day

It has been more than three months since I last taken a public transport. Oh yes, I hated to squeeze with other smelly and sweaty men so much that I finally bought myself a cheap car and drive to work. Unfortunately, there was an electricity breakdown yesterday and I couldn't open the auto front gate so my car was 'stucked' inside the house. Oh there was a key to open the gate manually, but I don't know why it didn't help to open the gate even though I've tried for almist 15 minutes. Realizing the time was running out, I took a taxi and went to work yesterday. And it fucking cost me RM15! 

Want me to give you a ride, honey?

Not only that, the taxi driver was having flu I guess. He kept on opening his window and spit while he was driving. And he coughed constantly and I feared that he would have coughed out his lungs or something. What a bad start of the day! But it was Friday! So my happy mood didn't fade away just because I didn't get to drive to work. :p 

Anyway, after working hour, I thought of getting taxi back home. But then it was raining and the traffic congestion in KL city was just horrible horrible horrible! So I went to Pavilion with colleagues and ex-colleagues to have a nice dinner in a Japanese restaurant. Though I hate the fact that I have to spend a lot (nothing is cheap in Pavilion), I still enjoyed my meal and have a good laugh with those colleagues. I guess we were the noisiest table in the restaurant. And we laughed out real loud! We didn't really care! :p

So after that nice dinner, we took our separate way and it was almost 10pm already. I tried to take a taxi. When I managed to stop the first taxi, I opened the door and asked:

"I need to get to Heaven!"

"Where in Heaven actually?"

"Err... Gay Street in Heaven?"

"Oh! Ok, but it will cost RM20!"

"What?! That's too expensive!"

"Yeah! But please understand I can drive you there, but it will be difficult for me to get any customer on my way back here in Hell!"

"Never mind! Thank You! Bye!"

"OK. Bye!"

And he drove off. I don't mind giving extra few ringgit. But RM20 is just too much from KL to my home. Since I have not taken the monorail for a long time. I thought of trying that again. So I went to the nearest monorail station and buy my ticket. 

Clean up before you come anywhere near me!

You see, when I was waiting for the monorail to come, there was this man standing behind me and he fucking coughed WITHOUT covering up his damned mouth!!! Yucks, yucks, yucks!! See! That's why I don't like to  take public transport! 

And that didn't end my misery. When the monorail finally arrived, the whole train was full with people. So full that I needed to squeeze in. Having no choice, I made my way into the train and basically trying not to inhale too much and singing some song in my head to get my attention away from the awful smell and the thought of germs and bacterias were surrounding me. Luckily I didn't have to wait long for the train to reach my destination. What a relieve! However, at the destination, I still need to take a cab to reach my home. Luckily I managed to get a decent cab (proton wira) and got home. Phew!

Come let me take you for a ride?!

I am so not taking public transport anymore. Even though I hate traffic congestion in KL, I don't mind stuck in a traffic jam in my own car where I can enjoy the cooling air-condition and listening to my favourite songs, and singing along. I so love my car now! :p

Being Contend

Being bored and has nothing to do this afternoon (which is quite a surprise or miracle), I basically bugging everyone I know on my gtalk chat list and trying to strike up a conversation. Too bad most of them were busy or caught up with their works and so on. Oh well, can't really blame them. I am the one who was abnormally free this afternoon.

Free to play with me?!

Anyway, I got to chat with this friend of mine whom I always look for whenever I feel bored. Because she is such a talkative person. Once start, she can't seem to stop. And that's what I needed for this afternoon. Listening to her telling me endless stories from office, colleagues, family to some unknown person she likes or dislikes. Yes, and I just listened and laughed. No doubt my colleagues sitting next to me would have wondered why was I smiling ever so widely at the monitor screen. As if I care! :p

Anyway, I was shocked when she told me she used to be a beggar. Yes, you hear me right, a beggar she was! Then she told me that sad and depressing story of hers. She was too young then so couldn't remember much of the detail. But that's what she was told by her (adopting) parents. Poor her.

Don't make me beg!

Saddening as it may be. But I'm just glad she has a family now and don't have to go beg in the street. My family used to be very poor too. I remember there was once when mom said we didn't have money to buy food and the whole family just eat maggie mee for dinner. I remember that well. Yet, we were all happy then. Partly because I love to eat maggie mee (regardless what flavour it is), and my parents made it sounds like we were having maggie mee feast. LOL... But we did know that we were poor enough to have a proper dinner.

And the poverty (hardly poverty la) didn't last long. We soon have good supplies of food and decent clothes and parents always make sure we are under a secured roof. :D Love'em so much!

So looking and counting on what I have and possessed now, I am pretty thankful. A nice house to live in. A family to be with. A nice and decent bedroom with my newly-bought computer desktop and so on. Even got myself a decent job with a good salary. Guess I should be contend.

But then again, human is always greedy. Desires and wants. I want to have an air-cond in my bedroom. I want to buy new shirts, new shoes, new underwear! More books. And maybe go traveling around the world once in awhile... and I want more salary income.

Maybe a little peace within will be enough...

I guess I failed terribly for being contend! :P

Man-Hunt in the Chatroom

It was years ago when everyone was so into IRC that I basically logged on into mirc every single day during my secondary school. I don't know why I did that but I guess it was just for fun. It was kind of stupid actually where I basically chatted with my schoolmates who I met everyday in the school. It was as if meeting and attending class together in school for half of the day wasn't good enough, and we still have to log on online into mirc and chatted the hell out of us.

Wanna meet up, sexy?!

It was also during that period when the naughty part of me entering the naughty chat room gaymalaysia and chatted with some strangers who will always start their conversation as follow :-

Stranger : Hi
Me : Hi
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What?
Stranger : a/s/l
Me : What is a/s/l?
Stranger : Age/Sex/Location
Me : Oh...

Yeah that stupid "a/s/l" thingie. And then I also stupidly started any conversation by using that phrase. As if it's the opening phrase, a pick-up line, a greeting? OK, hardly pick up line nor greeting. But that was what happened. And not just that. People can come up with so many different funny names likes : hornyguy, dick-sucker, gwmforgam, gamforgwm, hotstud, fukbuddy, hotchistud, lickme...etc. Oh, what the hell. Even I put a screenname : desperado. Yeah I was that desperate. Nothing happened though. No meet-ups or anything. Just a few cybersex and phonesex which again I soon found it boring and pathetic!

From then on, I never log on mirc or anything like that. First I find it very unreal to chat to a stranger online. Yeah we can remain anonymous and speak freely. But there was this emptiness after each conversation that make me feel worthless and meaningless. I rather engage in a real conversation where I can talk to a person face-to-face and know each other better. I love watching and observing a person. Especially those I am really interested in. Hahaha... Who doesn't?

Mmm... you're hot!

I guess it has been a decade since I last logged on to any chatroom and chat with some stranger. Just talked to a few bloggers who I know from some other blogger... well at least I got to know them better through their blogs, even though I haven't met most of them. So realizing I should enlarge my circle of friends, especially the gay friends, I thought I should start socialize.

But that's a bit difficult. First, I am still in the closet. Second, I had once joined a gaythering and made a fool out of myself. Third, I am a very homey person. I enjoy staying at home in my room enjoying my own space when I'm free. And I hardly free. Thanks to my works which keep me busy all week days. Hmm... Not good. Not good. So then I was told that I should log on to gay.com and hook up with some one. OK, not really hook-up but made some decent friends. Ha! Going back to high school again? That's what I thought.

Anyway, no harm giving it a try. So I registered and signed myself up and enter the chat room. No doubt there are a lot of people. With those nicknames, and yes some even sounded very slutty. And with the screennames like "look4funtonite", everyone knows what he was up to. But then I told myself not to be scared away by those people, there should be some nice and decent people who really look for a sincere and kind friend. Searching through the namelist in the chatroom with photos, I started chatted with some guys. Of course, being a potato queen, I was looking for caucasian man. :P But for heaven's sake, most of them can be my daddy already. No offence, but I am not into daddy type. Thank you very much! :P

Oh well, of course there were some other guys try to chat with me, but some of them just, again, not my type. Hate myself for being so demanding and a potato queen. I might as well move to Europe or something.

And then I got to chat with this hot guy. So hot that I thought he might be the one. (I can be so innocent and stupidly naive, sometime.) We chatted a little while. Then I later found out he has a boyfriend already. And yet he still ask me out to meet which I shyly declined. Well, maybe his intention was just wanna meet up and be friend. But I guess there'll be part of me(or him) who want to be more than just friend. So better stay away from trouble and move on. :p

You can have me. I'm not taken!

Online chat? Chances of getting a decent and sincere friend is so small, though I have to admit some of them are seriously good in flirting with people. Maybe I could learn some from them. Who knows it might comes in handy someday in the future?!

Guilty Pleasure

I did it! For almost a decade since I last had such intimacy with a man. So what happened? I won't go into detail. However, I will give you a few words or phrase, and you can somehow relate and create your own stories. So here goes the words/phrases : Sauna room, two horny men, blow-job, hand-job.

I know you want it! Just say it!

There, I said it. You put all the pieces together with your ever so creative imagination. I think it is not difficult at all to put them together. Anyway, what matter most is the aftermath. There are mixture of feelings actually. Pleasure, guilty, anxiety and disheartening.

Pleasure
The whole experience was adventurous. And the adventure itself actually spice up the whole thing. I am not the person who wholeheartedly agree to anonymous sex but being a single man for more than a decade when sex is only between me and my hands, it does not really help to keep my sanity then when there was a hot man there offering whatever I need. So I guess my sanity "went down" and I lost control when my cock was up. I can't really say I enjoyed the sex because we were just to worry someone would walk into the room. And yes, apparently in the end, someone walked in and we have to end our "session" immediately and walked out of the room into our separate way. No ejaculation. Period.

No. No satisfying ending.

Guilty
There are two main reasons why I felt guilty. First is of course to commit in an anonymous sex. I always think that sex should involves love and that love will improve sex. What we did were merely satisfying our desires and nothing more than that. Just like animal without thought and wisdom. Shame on me. And there might be a lot of negative consequences (such as S.T.D.s etc), but I only offered him hand-job and did not blow him which lead me to another reason of feeling guilty, because he blew me. I felt like I have exploited him somehow. But being a paranoid, I am just too afraid to risk my health for a short pleasurable moment. Who knows if he is clean or not?

Anxiety
Having those guiltiness, I also think about what if we were being caught red-handed. Maybe the one who walked in the room at the end somehow knew what we were doing and made a report or something. Will we be charged and put into jail? What about my life and my career? What if the room is equipped with CCTV? Negative thoughts flow into my head and it is overwhelming. I am anxious. Suddenly regret for being so stupid! I shouldn't have done it in the public. Fucked!

Disheartening
Yes, being gay in this country is just disheartening. I can say it over and over again and it is still the same. To make things even more difficult, I am still in the closet and I don't see the chance of coming out in the near future. Wearing mask, hiding feelings... in the closet. Shy away in the darkness. Even the tears had already gone dry. Will I be a single man for my whole life? No doubt anonymous sex does not do me any good as you can see there are more negative feelings in my list here. Until the day I meet the right man, I guess I shall go through the sex drought season and really live as a monk who keep his sexual desire to the minimum level.

Forever a bachelor.

Guilty Pleasure. Certainly more guilty than pleasure. Dammit!

They Don't Speak

They don't fucking say anything!

Should've said something!

Yes, that's basically what I want to say. Why? Here is the story.

The boss gathered everyone in the meeting room to kick off a new project. After "pouring out" all his requirement and expectation, he asked if anyone has any questions. No one spoke. He further explained what he wanted and then asked again for a deadline when we can deliver whatever he needs. Everyone kept quiet. Silence kicked in. Every seconds seems like forever when everyone's looking down as if they're observing and analyzing their own shoes. The boss then proposed a deadline and asked if we have any problem with that. Silence is the only response. So he assumed everyone is fine with the propose deadline. The gathering was then dismissed.

Fucked! How are we gonna do? What is the first thing that we need to do? In the end, we eat our own shit!

And that's not only the case. Today, again, while we were having our own discussion among ourselves, the boss came in and joined us. Suddenly everyone kept quiet. Some look at the white board. Some look at the own scratch book don't know drawing what shit. Some other just look at the others.

Say something! Say something!

The boss found a chair and sat. Looking at the whiteboard too and waiting for something. Then suddenly everyone look at me. I look back at them. Made a frown. Some ladies giggled a bit and the nearby colleague then whispered to me saying that I should start say something. I was like :"Excuse me! Why me?!" Then that usual silence surrounded us again like a cold wind making me shiver. I hate that awkward situation. The boss never said anything. He just sat there. And all of them were suddenly dumb.

Hating that kind of situation, I then courageously stood up and offered to explain whatever we've discussed so far to the boss. Situation got better after I broke the ice. At least there was interaction between the boss and us. Phew!

I don't understand. Why is it so difficult for them to speak in front of the boss?! Besides, those seniors should have known their boss better than me. Oh gosh, how am I suppose to work with this bunch of people who are scared to even speak to their boss? Or is it because they don't want to be accountable for whatever being discussed or proposed? So they better keep quiet and if anything happened, they will not be the one to be blamed. I don't know. And I don't want to know.

What more can I say!?

I should have known. Yes, moving from one team to another team means starting all over again. No, it's more than that. A lot more than that. Besides starting anew, I need to do a lot more to prove my sincerity to join the new team and to build trust between the new members and me. To make things more difficult and complicated, I have to prove to the new boss my capabilities and loyalty. After all, I am just a newbie...

Ice-Cream Maniac

It's 31st of July and yes, Baskin Robbin is having the 31% discount again! Being the person who love ice-cream so much, I always drag myself to the Baskin Robbin outlet and buy my favourite ice-cream so that I could enjoy it while watching my favourite drama series at home.

Where is my ice-cream?!

But today I did not go to buy. Why? Lazy! A sign of getting old? Maybe.

You know I hate to compete with other people to reach the outlet and wait for the long queue to get what I want. And espeially when there's discount, it's like the people from the whole city are gathered together and squeeze their way among the crowd fighting for that same thing - discounted ice-cream.

Not just that. I also hate certain people who are just ... unbelievable. Last time I was queuing up in the line and saw those chubby aunties taking their own sweet time tasting almost every single flavour of the ice-cream (ignoring the long queue behind them) before they really decided which flavour they want to buy. Bitches!

Then another experience was this couple. The boyfriend was asking the girlfriend about which flavour she wants and the dumb-girl just keep on staring at those ice-cream hesitating which ice-cream to buy. Embarrassed, the boyfriend kept asking and begging the girl to make her decision so that they could run away from the evil stares by the long line of people behind.

So, ice-cream or me?

Worst still when kids are there. "Mommy I want this! Daddy I want that!". Then they ran here and there and the parents have to keep playing "run and chase" with them before they could even pay for the ice-cream.

Besides, I also have seen this customer who go there and buy so MANY small cup of ice-cream. Apparently he wanted to try all flavour of the ice-cream. And not just that! He ordered a few small cups for one flavour. And if there is ten flavours, you make the calculation. I guess there is a party going on or something. Or whatever reason it is. So the staff picking one small cup of ice-cream follow by another... I lost count of the total of cups there.

Whatever it is, so many 'crazy' things you can see when buying Baskin Robbin. And I hate it when people try ice-cream for too long. Well, I have to respect their right as a consumer. But please, tasting every single flavour of ice-cream? That's just too much and inconsiderate to those people waiting behind.

I'll pour ice-cream on my chest and you can lick!

As for this month, I missed my rums raisin ice-cream. :-(

The Wedding Planner & Singer

Within one day, I was asked by two friends to become their wedding planner and wedding singer. What were they thinking? I am still a young eligible bachelor who has never got married nor plan a wedding before. As for being the wedding singer, that is not so bad as singing songs is not that difficult. Besides I was asked to sing only a few songs.

Young & Inexperience - Wedding Planner?

However, the funny thing is I promised to be the wedding planner and still considering to be the wedding singer for another friend. Apparently, the friend who asked me to become her wedding planner is a very close friend of mine. So without much hesitation, I just said yes! As for the other friend who asked me to be wedding singer, I am just not too sure if I want to embarrass myself in front of the crowd. No doubt I am a choir member, singing shouldn't be a big problem. But singing in group and singing alone is somewhat different and so much more challenging.

Anyway, wedding planner I am going to be. I have to admit I am a little excited and nervous at the same time. Come on! It's a big thing! Still can't believe my friend actually put much of her trust on me. Oh well, not that me alone will plan the wedding. I will be planning and working with a whole bunch of "sisters" (yes all female with creative imagination and stuff) and I guess there will surely be a lot of "dramas"!

Whatever.

Now let's see! I have never seen a male wedding planner. Oh no! There's one I saw in Wedding Wars. The gay brother was the wedding planner. Hmm... I guess gay men are more artistic and creative?! Now I have to imagine what kind of wedding it will be. I have no idea yet as my friend has yet to tell me what kind of wedding ceremony and dinner she wants. I'll just come up with my own ideas and discuss with the sisters later. Flowers, decoration, table setting, entertainment, performance, wines, guest list... Ah! I'll see what I can think of.

What kind of wedding do you want?

This will be my first time being the co-wedding-planner. I'll just make sure I have fun while learning to become the best wedding planner in town! :D

Sweet Dream

I guess I must have smiled in my sleep last night. I dreamed of a man of my dream. Even though it was very vivid, I kind of remember his gesture and something about how he tell me things still make me shiver in excitement.

He was half-naked with a white towel wrapped around his lower body and he gaze into my eyes and said softly :"I will be back for you..." That's all I could remember. And who is he? Julian McMahon

The following is the funny and sexy scene from Nip/Tuck:


Yes, I admit I watched a little too much Nip/Tuck recently. But to have such a man in my dream doing sweet talks to me, that's fucking worth it!

The Unfavourable Daily Road Trip

It has always been a problem for people who work in Kuala Lumpur city. And what's that problem? Traffic Congestion. Yes, traffic jammed! Traffic jammed! That's what we people will not stop complaining about.

Stupid traffic jammed!!

Knowing that we will face the traffic congestion problem especially during the 'peak hour' (before office hour and after office hour), most of us would normally have to wake up unreasonably earlier than we should, trying to avoid the traffic congestion. Oh well, it depends on where we live and where we work actually. Some of us are lucky enough to avoid the tragic traffic congestion problem if we were to wake up earlier; Some other just couldn't avoid unless they wake up before the break of dawn and drive all their way without even brushing their teeth and changing to their working attire. OK, I'm exaggerating!

Anyway, to avoid traffic congestion, there are another option other than waking up and go to work earlier. The alternative is to wake up late and go to work late. Oh yes, that's what I chose. Did I not mention I have no discipline? Of course trying not to get myself into trouble, I 'smartly' make sure that I am not the latest person who walked into the office. So if anything happened, I can always say someone is later than me! :P I am such a fucking bastard, I know!

However, yesterday I suddenly thought that maybe I could try wake up earlier and go to the gym first. Yeah, I have been missing my gym session for a few days already. So maybe hitting the gym early in the morning follow by a good breakfast will be a good start for the day, I told myself.

Let's workout in the early morning!

With that in mind, I slept earlier than usual last night and woke up extremely early this morning. And I thought since I woke up so early, I could avoid all the traffic congestion.I happily put on my sport attire, grabbed and gym bag and off I went on the road.

To my surprise, after 10 minutes of driving, I saw lines of cars filling up all the 3 lanes and barely moving. With some idiotic drivers try to cut queue and switch between the lanes, I could already feel my high blood pressure hitting the maximum point and I am gonna explode anytime. Not only that, with those unnecessary honks and motorcyclist sliding in between cars nonchalantly ignoring the cars signals, I just wanna yell and scream out loud! Thank goodness my CD player is playing Kenny G's album which is soothing and relaxing. Otherwise, I would have opened the driver window and shout out loud :"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The funny thing is, normally it only takes 30 minutes to reach my office (if I woke up late and hit the road later). But today, I used almost an hour to reach the fitness center. Which means I don't have enough time to workout. I just took a bath, changed into my working attire and off to work.

I can still sleep a while

There is no doubt tomorrow onwards I am gonna wake up late and go to work late. Come on! Wake up earlier and squeeze with others? No way! If the boss accuse me of being late, I'll just tell him the petrol price has gone up high and I don't wanna waste my petrol and suffering with other people. Unless he is willing to increase my salary at least 40%, then I will happily squeeze with other and even sing a happy song early in the beautiful morning! :P

Keep Reading

Do I have to keep reading?!

Having to understand the new system which I am going to maintain and support, I have to read a lot of documentation. The product description, user manuals, operator manuals, system servicing and processing... etc. Most importantly, I also have to understand the whole business concept and logic.

Reading certainly seems to be a very easy task. Just sit there and staring at the monitor reading the word document with only your eye-balls consistently moving from left to right, and left and right, and left and right again. No doubt carrying the weight of my upper body, my bubble butt eventually turned flat. Hence, I occasionally have to remind myself to stand up awhile in hope that it will turn back round and firm instead of being flat down as if I have no butt at all. Eeks! Yucks!

Rather sleep than read!

Oh don't be surprise to catch me dozing off in my own chair with my head hitting my own table a few times. What?! Those documents are so damn boring! Unless it is a novel I would be reading with my eyes wide open and scroll down pages by pages and finished it in no time. Unfortunately those hundreds of pages documents are description and explanation. With lots of boring screen shots and uninteresting description. How can I not feeling sleepy and boring? Sometime, I even feel like vomit!

Oh well, given the choices of reading and entertain fussy customers, I think I will still opt for reading. At least I could still take my own sweet time read. Make myself a green tea, eat some snacks and listen to my favourite songs. Not so bad, right?! I wish I could print out all the document and curl up in my chair reading them. I hate staring the monitor for too long. It hurts my eyes. But then there are too many pages to be printed out. The last thing I wanna faced is being complaint of unnecessarily using too much paper.

Enjoy reading!

Never mind. I recently found out that I could get some e-book and read. Ha! I could switch to read the novel whenever I feel bored about reading those documentation without anyone suspecting I am actually reading a novel. Brilliant, huh?!

So You Think You Can Dance

I love dancing. Not that I am good in dancing, but I think I am not so bad. Oh well, not as good as I used to, but I certainly know a few moves. Alright, at least I know how to move my butt left and right, front and back. Not enough? Alright, I am a bad dancer!

How about dancing in bed with me, sweetheart?

You see, I appreciate art and culture. Anything to do with art and culture, I don't mind being involved. So yeah I danced a bit, sang a bit, played a few music instruments, even got myself to try and do some painting (OK, this one I am really not good! :p). Talk about dance, I tried a few dances before. Chinese traditional dance, Malay traditional dance, International Ballroom Dance (Umm, ok only amateur cha cha I think?!) and some contemporary dances I guess?

But that was some good old days. I think I was only 12 or something. Certainly before when I was 15 years old. Yeah, I did dance a bit. Even got to perform in a few occasion. Argh, I guess it's easier to stretch your body when you were young.

Dance naked, will ya?

So that day when I went to the fitness club and attended a dancing class. What was it called again, street dance? hip hop dance? Whatever! It's just a dance with some cool moves. Thought of giving it a try and maybe learn some moves, I nonchalantly walked into the dancing studio, quite confidently I would say, and prepared to dance my heart out.

So the music started, the ever so hot and sexy instructor started with some warm up, stretching following the beat of the music. Yeah, pretty easy! I could already feel my body heating up from inside and my bon bon was ready to shake like it had never shaken before. Ooh la la... So the instructor showed us a few good move and everybody followed.

While enjoying dancing and following the instruction from the front, I suddenly saw that person in the mirror. Yeah, that was me in the mirror dancing in such an awkward way. Eeww... a robot dancing or what?! Awful! Damn, where's that flexibility? I kept observing myself in the mirror and tried to dance better. Gosh, it was hard! Difficult! I am sure if I bent a little more to the right or left, I would hurt my spine. Urgh! After the class, sweating like hell, I told myself :"That's it. I admit I am no good in dancing!"

Who said I can't dance?!

But that doesn't mean I give up on dancing. Just that I will need some extra time learning and practising. That's if, and only if, I have the time and ... more time! However, watching other people dancing is pretty much entertaining already. I recently watched this movie (ok, I only browsed through, haven't really watched it yet) and found this part of the movie very sexy and flirtatious!

So here it is. You have to watch it right till the end! And you tell me if that two guys have any chemistry between them. Let's take a look:



Damn, let me catch my breath first! Sexy, isn't it? Damn I don't mind having that hunky instructor giving me "private class" at all. Look at the two of them! I wonder if I could hold any longer to have a hot guy so close to me, face to face, chest to chest, crotch to crotch. And the last part when they finished the dance, their breath... oh why that stupid fucking phone rang?! They would have fucking kissed already!

Anyway, that was HOT! REALLY HOT!

A Day At The Gym

I have been going to the gym quite frequent lately. Why? I am not sure myself. But to seriously think about it, I think it is because my colleague, who suddenly so addicted to going to gym, dragged me along to go work out after office hour. Yeap, that's what I need. I need someone to drag me there. Else I'll be paying money to the fitness club for nothing. You know me, I would choose to go home after office hour rather than go to the fitness club and work out my knowingly not-so-perfect body.

Can I go home instead?!

Another reason I still let my colleague drag me there because I think it's better to have some sort of exercise to keep myself healthy. At least, I sweat a bit and pump some muscles in hope they will grow bigger and bigger especially my arms and chest. Ah, talk about lifting weight? That's the last thing I wanna talk about. Coz I sucks! Hardly do a few sets and I could hear the "internal me" screaming for help! "Ouch! Pain! Damn it! Why is it so fucking difficult!" Screw the whatever "no-pain-no-gain"! I have no discipline.

Undoubtedly, my body didn't change much after I join the club for like 2 years. Except I gained a few kgs, which I kinda happy and not happy. Happy because I want to gain weight; Not happy because I got a bigger belly. Fuck!

Anyway, being a not-so-serious gym dude, I normally use my "rest-time" between sets to observe other people. OK, I was actually checking out hot hunky stud. And I do see a lot of different people with different attitude and purpose spending their after-office-hour in the gym. Let's see if I can categorize them into a few categories here :

1) Gym Freak/Serious Body Builder
OK, the first one would be the serious muscle man! They are there to work out every single muscle of their body. Normally they would be around those free weight lifting area and they hardly use the equipment. If they do, you'll be in awe when you see how much weight they are lifting. Above 50 kgs? More than that, perhaps. And they always like to groan :"Urgh! Ah! Urgh! Ahh! Uuurrgghhh!! Ahhhh! Uuurgghhhh!!!" The groan always getting louder and louder, as if they're gonna reach the climax and ejaculate somehow. OK, I may be exaggerated a bit. But their voice can be a little annoying at times. No offense, but I am not into guys with too many big muscles. I mean, they are SO HUGE!!

This will be just fine! I don't mind lick up the sweat with my already hot tongue!

2) Regular Body-builder
Alright, those men are just a normal body builder who don't aim for big muscle or something like that. They're just there to work out and be in good shape. Yes, they tone their body, make sure it is not too big here and not too small there. Some even hire personal trainer to train them. Some of them prefer to work out alone, some other coming in group. I even saw a couple (OK, I am not sure if they are couple, but they always come together and work out together. They look so fine together! :p) who always there to help each other out to work out their body. So sweet! :D

3) Cruiser
Oh, who doesn't know people go fitness club to cruise?! Or maybe use working out as an excuse to cruise? Or perhaps just be there and try some lucks?! Oh whatever it is. I did saw some people there just looking around or maybe talking to friends for so long, occupying the fitness equipment. I even overheard this two dudes talking about ex-boyfriends (Yes, I almost sure they talked about boyfriends!) and those affairs in front of me. As if I don't know what they're talking about?! And rumours about sex in the saunas and steams? Oh I can't help but to believe those are true. Otherwise, the club wouldn't have hired those not-so-cute security guards checking around in the male changing room. Sometime I wonder if those guard commit to any sexual activity in the rooms themselves?!

Whatcha looking at? Come over and touch my body!

4) Classes Goers
Those who like to attend classes. Body-jam, yoga, body-pump, body-combat, dances and so on. Yeah, you can always see them in the class following the young and hot instructors and do whatever they need to do. The classes can be so crowded sometime I hardly see any space for them to actually move around. And yet, they still be there on time sweat together in that same class room.

5) Others
Some other I don't know. Maybe just wanna go there and exercise? Or maybe meeting friends there? Or just use up the bath and/or sauna since they paid the membership? Some still on trial membership? You tell me!

Anyway, going to the gym is somewhat not compulsory for me. I go whenever I feel I wanna go, especially when I am feeling un-energetic or need a refreshing bath or sauna. Of course, no harm checking out some hot hunky dudes working out. That would be an extra bonus! I'll just have to make sure my crotch does not raise any flag! :P

Monday Blue

I had a nightmare last night. It was this lady, who I thought was normal, was actually blind. And she wants my eyes so that she can see the world. Shocked and terrified, I woke up from my dream 3am in the morning feeling cold and horrified!

What a dream?!

I switched on the light in my bedroom, thinking that maybe getting out of the darkness would make myself feel better. And yes, it did make me feel better. Trying not to remember what the dream was about, I surfed the net looking for beautiful male images as I always love to do. It was about after an hour when I started to feel tired and hit the sack again.

I had a dream again. It was me practicing to sing a song and I can't seem to sing it right. So I kept singing over and over again until I was mentally exhausted. Not long after that, I heard an urgent knock on my bedroom door. My mom was trying to wake me up as it's about time to go to work. Having no choice, I got myself out of bed, washed myself up, dressed up and off to work.

What? You're talking to me?!

I was a zombie for the whole day. Dozed off a few times. Almost hit my forehead on my own table! Definitely feeling blue...

Silly Me

I woke up this morning wanting to make a change. Yes, I need to. After what happened yesterday, I told myself :"I am not gonna be pathetic anymore!"

What I really want?!

So the first thing I thought about was going to have a gym session. I changed my clothes. Then I enthusiastically packed my gym bag, filling in my favourite pair of jeans and that tight stripes-T with my not-so-outstanding underwear. Not forgetting to fill up my water bottle and rushed out the front door and started the engine of my car.

Yes, nothing gonna stop me this time. Whatever it is, I will get out of my house and work out my body. I concentrate and fill my mind with all those hunky studs who has the perfect body. Yes, I will become one of them. I will pump all my muscles and have big arms, huge pecs, firm ass... I am gonna be fucking gorgeous! As if I am gonna be the next Mr. International! :p

The next Mr. International

So off I went. Driving my car all the way from my house to the fitness club, listening to Mariah Carey's latest album. OK fine, I admit I sang along too, like an idiotic bitch yelling in high pitch. You know how high Mariah can go, right? I tell you my car's window would've broken if I were to sing any louder.

Anyway, after yelling a few songs in the car, I reached KL city and heading to the fitness club. Parked my car, I grabbed my gym bag and water bottle, locked my car and off I went. I kept walking and walking. I felt strange. Something wrong. And I kept walking...

Then I stopped. I looked down. Then I realized, I was wearing my sandals instead of my sport shoes. Fucked! I remember the fitness club is very strict about sport attire when you go for work-out. It's even funnier when I realized I was wearing a tight tank top, a black short and that stupid sandals walking on the street with my gym bag and water bottle.

I need to refresh myself

I quickly rushed back to my car, threw in my gym bag, and went home. Silly me!

Being Pathetic

Call me an anti-social freak, I'll admit it!

I go home after office hour; I decline friend's invitation for a Saturday night out with millions and millions of excuses; Even getting out of my house to go for a gym session is difficult for me. To me, staying home has always seem to be the best thing. No drama, no troubles! Peace and serenity!


Deep down inside I know I am not happy. I long for a good laugh with close friends at some cafe. I long for a hot date which end with romantic French kiss with the man I love. I long for a good artistic show to fill up part of my empty soul. Or maybe just a quiet walk at the park feeling the warm breeze caressing me.

And today, I am just ... at home. Counting all my 'wants' and sigh...

Sometimes, I am just pathetic!